You Won't Succeed on TV
by Shinji Shazaki
Summary: A parody piece done only in dialogue between Kim and Ron.  Everyone will be offended.  Some people will, hopefully, be amused.  Read, review, and I hope you enjoy!


You Won't Succeed on TV

Disclaimer: Disney owns "Kim Possible." Monty Python owns the original song "You Won't Succeed on Broadway." I own whatever I write/create. Don't steal and don't sue.

"KP, have you ever thought about being on TV?"

"I have, Ron. We wouldn't stand a chance."

"But why not?"

"Because TV is a very special place. It's filled with special people who can act and dance and sing and sometimes save the world."

"But you can do all that!"

"They can do it all at the same time, though. They're a different people—a multitalented people—a people who need people. And we all know that they can be the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Ron. We don't have a chance."

"But why?"

"Well, let me put it like this:

"_In any great adventure—_

_If you don't want to lose—_

_Victory depends upon the people that you choose._

_So listen, Ronald, buddy, closely to this news:_

_We won't succeed on TV_

_If we don't have any Jews._"

"KP?"

"Shh, Ron! I'm not nearly done yet!

"_You may have the coolest sets,_

_Fill the stage with gene-spliced pets,_

_You may have the spankin'-est outfits and best shoes._

_You may scream and you may pray_

_But Ronald, I must say,_

_You'll hear no cheers—_

_Just lots and lots of boos._"

"Um, Kim, why's there a montage running on the TV reflecting exactly what you sing?"

"Quiet, Ron! I want to get to the part where I talk about Shego!

"_You may have hot girls by the score_

_Whom the audience adore—_

_You may even have a heroine on the news,_

_Though you've holes and krauts instead_

_You may have unleavened bread_

_But I tell you, you are dead_

_If you don't have any Jews!_"

"Kim, what are holes and krauts?"

"I don't know. Now stop interrupting me!

"_They won't care if it's witty,_

_Or everything looks pretty—_

_They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse._

_Nobody will go, Ron!_

_If it's not kosher then no show, Ron!_

_Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose!_

_Put on shows that make fans bewitched_

_With an episode where brains get switched—_

_You may even have the finest of reviews!_"

"Kim, wait a minute!"

"Quiet!

"_But the audiences won't care, Ron!_

_As long as you don't dare, Ron,_

_To start a show on TV_

_If you don't have any Jews!_"

"But Kim—"

"Stop interrupting!

"_You may have dramatic lighting,_

_Or lots of horrid fighting—_

_You may even have some monkeys without shoes!_"

"Monkey!"

"Shut up, Ron!

"_Your villains may be weird boys,_

_But sadly we're all goys,_

_And those British guys with monkey feet you must lose!_"

"MONKEY!"

"Shut _up_, Ron!

"_So, despite your pretty lights_

_And naughty girls in nasty tights_

_And the most impressive scenery you use—_

_You may have rapping scientists,_

_You may have girls with pointed tits,_

_But they will not care a wit_

_If you don't have any Jews!_"

"Wait—was that about Shego, or was that about you?"

"Both. Now quit interrupting me!

"_You may have gay subtext in your shows,_

_Have a black girl selling clothes—_

_You may even have naked mole rats serving stews!_"

"Booyah! Naked mole rats represent!"

"Quiet!

"_You haven't got a clue_

_If you don't have a Jew—_

_All of your investments you are going to lose!_

_There's a very small percentile_

_Who enjoys a dancing gentile;_

_I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!_

_Even with slapstick comedy—_

_You just won't succeed on TV_

_You just don't succeed on TV_

_If you don't have any Jews!_"

"But Kim—"

"Hold on a minute!"

"_Ronald, can you hear me?_

_To get along on TV,_

_To have a show on TV,_

_To hit the top on TV and not lose,_

_Ron, this is why I sing_

_There is one essential thing…_"

"KP!"

"Shut up!

"_There simply must be, simply must be Jews!_

_There simply must be,_

_Ronald, trust me,_

_Simply must be Jews!_"

"…Are you done now?"

"Yes. What were you trying to tell me?"

"I'm a Jew!"

"…_Oh_. That explains why Disney caved in to the demands for another season."

—_end—_


End file.
